#SaturdayBears
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Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.