Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
the Monday after daylight savings
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple