If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[at the general store]
me: one general please
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it