her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.