It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping