me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
doing your own taxes
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.