My what?
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
nature’s most graceful animal
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like