A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich