On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I鈥檝e just heard one of the kids approaching
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don鈥檛 think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I don鈥檛 need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn鈥檛 look directly at eclipses
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it鈥檚 just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
me: I鈥檓 on a new sugar free diet and I鈥檓 getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human鈥檚 foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Bread puns are on the rise!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.