I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.