You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Get in loser we’re going crying
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel