I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
i hate you platonically
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?