Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
lost dog
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.