If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles