May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.