him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor