me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You Might Also Like
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Planet of the Apps.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My dog when she hears popcorn popping