These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
You Might Also Like
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
and now we wait
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…