Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.