ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Who knew!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*