Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?