Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*