“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.