My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no