Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
time machine? you mean a clock?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*