*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Does this dress make me look cat?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
6: are snakes just neck?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.