Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on