That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
You Might Also Like
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Buying a well is money well spent.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit