Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
How to properly lift a body
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Aaaa…CHOO!
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.