Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.