Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Yoga Matt
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth