When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!