It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir