why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”