Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.