I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line