As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Always
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?