Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?