So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I already tried new things thanks.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me: