You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Mad Max Arctic Road
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious