Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid