Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
getting groceries
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.