I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.