HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Boating season is upon us.