I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
You Might Also Like
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
🤣🤣🤣
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
had to share :’)
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.