The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
lmao
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*