A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid