the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ππππ I Dont know guys, leave me alone π
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
βHow much plagiarizing gets you arrested?β And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
What made this morningβs trip to the bathroom interesting is that I donβt actually own a cat.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling βWASH YOUR HANDS.β
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wifeβs white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink onβ¦
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo