My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
this came to me in a vision
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes