*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.